Saturday, May 12, 2012

Men:- The story of Power.

Sharks are God's best creation. Violent, Ruthless and precise. No remorse's; living meal to meal, Fanatical about power and pride; guards territories like the ancient Romans.  Disregard for lesser beings, hunts to kill, to eat. Poaches with the sadistic pleasure, the aquatic life twitches at. Eyes of steel. The flag of dominance protruding over it's back; rarely seen over the surface. If seen, shortly, is blood.

And then there are Men. 
What makes a Man what he is? Is it only got to do with genes, mother's affection and wife's love. Or is it more primitive. Ruthless. 
  • A Man lives for recognition. He is sparked by the desire to better others of his clan. Takes incompetence as a insult. You never marry a Man and have a good life, if you do not tame his ego. 
  • Domination comes naturally. Given a chance he will show lesser men their place, his feet. He is a narcissist, and he can only look up to men of equal competence. Others he shall insult.
  • Does not generally care about consequences. If they turn out to be wrong, he shall say "I was wrong, it was a mistake". Wont go around cursing gods and god men.
  • No-one messes around with his woman. He holds her so close, it sometimes is scary. She is his prey. He tolerates no disrespect, no compromises. 
  • He cries when he has to. Knows he is a Man.No God. 
  • He loves appreciation, loves people telling him he is good, her telling he is better in bed. He might say he does not care. He always does. 
  • He will scream and shout, throw tantrums, he is a child inside. Lives their attention, loves their fear.
  • When he gets out of home, he imagines people around standing up as a mark of respect. Relieves his actions slowly many times and thinks about how good a emperor he would have made. And tell others, he is not a dreamer but a realist. 
  • When he is in a fight, he is not scared of the pain to his body; but the scars to his ego. Almost all physical fights ever recorded do not have a winner. Both, were good. Only that, there was interference. 
  • The roar of a royal enfield and the submission of a perceived violence drives him. If you are his wife, mother or sister. Get intimidated by him. Only then shall he comply. 
  • When you bitch about him behind his back he always knows it. Thinks you are not important enough for him to care. When you look at him, you look with utter contempt. He does not look at all. What is a bigger insult?
Tell him he is good, he listens. Tell him he was bad, he loses his attention span. Homosexuals and Gays, he does not respect. Gandhi and Martin Luther King, he disagrees with. Metro sexual's are a let down, getting chest hair shaved is humorous
Every girl/mother wants such a man in her life. Some object. and fantasize. Some comply. The Man on a horse in shining Armour is not a fable, It's a dream.  Which Man Did You Meet Lately?

Philosophy and Lesser Men have one thing in common. No One really cares.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Respect, Monk!

Our first meeting was more of a chance than choice. The regular Tasmac had run of out of beer when we first decided to try Old Monk. Our companionship has grown stronger over the years since. Old Monk is for those who drink to get drunk. For those who just want to be on a high, or who want to feel tipsy; and stuff like that; there are other alternatives. Old Monk delivers what it’s appearance promises. Complete, real and a long period of intoxication. Reasons why I adore the rum is because it is cheap, effective, easily available and does not need you to go shopping for lemons, fireworks or special glasses; to make the night memorable. 180 Ml of Old Monk and 180 Ml of water; is all it needs.

As time passed me by the only two things which are the same right now is my name and the taste of the rum. Old monk has been the reason behind almost all of my life’s highs and lows:- It was there when I had my first fight. It was there when I had my last, the first girl who came, the last one who left and the one who decided to stay; the exams I failed expectedly and the ones I passed unexpectedly; while I was getting a tattoo or a piercing; the night before my first job interview and the night after; last night and now.

If you haven’t cried, fought and lied post a bottle of rum, to put it soberly, you must do it. For life without accidents or tears would be a sequence of events no better than a game of chess, without those fights and tears, which he bought along; life would have been a pity.

Old Monk has been a humble friend all along. But it is time we start meeting less often.

I drank because I can; because I wanted to. I know I would soon need an ambulance and probably a kidney transplant. But I have people I love and some fateful ones who love me in return. I will quit. For the same reasons I drank, because I can, because I want to.

I need no warrant for my being and no word of sanction upon my being. I am my warrant and I am my sanction. Same said fir Monk. That made two of us. A Clich├ęd, cheers!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Chauvinist in Me. Part# 2

Women, We respect you. We really do. But aren't you overdoing yourself. All right, you gave birth to us and went through some inhuman pain to get us out of your body. All right, you left your family and came to live with us.
All right you leave your dreams behind and chose to be our wives. Respect, you tie us rakhees and send us one every time we are not near. Great you taught us how to live.

Appreciate that you stand shoulder to shoulder with "Men" in all fields, you make us sound us like enemies when you do, that's fine with us. The reason why best left unsaid. I know, Indian women, There's a Mayawati for a Clinton and a Faluguni Pthak for every Celine Dion and A Indira Nooyi for every Indira Nooyi and a Karrena Kapoor for every Hollywood actress. But please dont start getting too full of yourself.

With all respect, Men are not, not working or having a less difficult time, than they were when you were "subdued". They are just trying harder. And their base is already higher than than what is yours.
Great you look after kids and go to a job. The man is till in a ruder tax bracket and he still is paying the bills.
Excellent you are in the armed forces and teaching in premier institutes. The man has always been.
Extravagant, that you have manged to d all this despite subjugation and injustice over the last century or more. Respect.
You have now gone to space and are also a bus conductor, and change diapers when at home.
It was your gender who got raped. No counter point. Kill the bastards.

However what Man has done is not to be belitted by the fact that you are growing. Haven't we played our part? Haven't we loved? Show me a Juliet with a romeo Or a Heer without a Ranjha Or A Mother of God without her Son..

Reservation quotas, supreme court exceptions, tax rebates; Social network images about "Why to love a woman" aside; understood. All we ask for is credit for what we are. If you start generalizing men as rapists; we are not getting anywhere. Are We ?

P.S:- I believe in women can deliver in the next decade. But Men wont fail, because they cant. They have never known that as a option (Not that women have). Blame nature. We went after dinosaurs, cannibal tribes and crocodiles making sure all of us get to eat. If there's a past against you; we have had it too. Charles Darwin says "The toughest shall survive" Nor can we afford that as a mindset, nor can you.
Let's us not become too chauvinist or feminist. There has been a point when each of our genders, chose to hide themselves when the others were slaughtered. The primitive Men Versus The Raped Woman. Sorry.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Those 4 Pegs Of My Life.

A million pegs hence, a recollect those which made a difference.

The Drunkard in Tirupattur---I was raised in a Brahmin family. I went to study engineering to south India. The rest is, as the cliche goes, history. My first peg was raised in the summers of 2003 in a defunct, non electrified town. I was very well able to recollect the date, but sadly the pegs that followed dishonoured my sense of memory. That day I
embarked on a journey which saw me make a lot new friends and lose many old ones. Some of the most important decisions of my life later came when the public told me "I was not in a state". Some of the decisions made were as follows:- To apply for a management entrance test, to get into the first physical fight, to get out of that relatonship, to start blogging, to start stop worrying.

The Drunkard in Ahmedabad---Parents, never leave house unguarded if you have a 21 year old son at home. He will do one of the following things--Watch porn, bring his "girl" friend home, drink till everyone in the society knows how many pegs he has had or do nothing, the last being a shame for any family which has borne a male child. We did the second last and what a shame I bought home!!! The society aunties look at me like a outcast, the uncles refer to their child as a "well mannered boy" during their interaction with my parents, the girls come home rushing on rakshabandhan and the sons look at a ball tossed into my premises as a "asset lost forever". Curd was forced down our throats in a quest to gouse the monster. A incense stick waved in our bathrooms to fend off smell of puke and piss. We have never had another peg in my home since. I regret that.Only that.

The Drunkard in Harihar--- A mangement program then was what i could ever have wished for. Entering the premises I was one who had "one too many pegs" on some ocassions. Leaving that premises i was one, who had "one too many pegs and hence started drinking" -kinda guy.(Forgive the exaggeration). A daily chore by then, drinking came unnaturally.Too natural to be natural,that is. Surrounded by friends who supported my mind till the last peg and supported my body thereafter, stood no reason for me to not get drunk. I was a fucking wall then, save physical fights, for un-managerial they were termed. Those last pegs when a dear friend was to leave the premises with 5 men in a room who strongly believed rome could be destroyed and re-built in a day, is a peg i will always crave for. The scream after those bottles came from the soul, not from the throat.One resounding scream that made us believe we were undefetable. And unseperable. A man who could never get old was born. A man who could differ, never survived.(Forgive the exaggeration once again for I have not found a guy who would differ. If i find one, he will not survive)

The Drunkard In Goa---She, A Bottle of Black Dog and a Me, blacker dog, drinking it. Some instances are not for the public eye. This is one of them.

The tales that shall follow shall be devoid of this zeal. The pegs that follow shall never have the same men on the table. I regret this time passed. I regret, i did not realize, how important these pegs were while I was consuming them. I realize, i am no longer a student.I realize, I now have to "Earn" those moments.

P.S---I am Drunk. Alone. Desolate. Not destroyed, whatsoever! To the spirit of man, I raise a toast. Cheers !

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Beef. Bones And Blood.

I eat flesh. Members of a food chain, I kill and eat, eventually shit. Am i proud of it. Yes, A very loud resounding yes. Why am I Proud? Because I like meat. I dont care whatever PETA is doing to spread awareness, because I love dead animals. I am a saddist? Yes, I am. I am a Jerk? Yes, I am. All this is so Inhuman? Oh!, Fuck It IS? I still do not care. Below are the reasons i chose meat over plants.

1) Plants will not be around for long. Deforestation will take care of that. I want to be alive.
2) Plants have weird chemicals sprayed upon them. Animals have injections. I choose injections.
3) Plants are less, Animals are more.
4) Plants are green and do not have bones. Animals have.
5) Plants are peed upon by animals. I dont drink pee.
6) Plants have panner butter masala as their brand ambassador. Animals have beef kebab, chciken tikka, roasted leg piece, fried fish and pork.(I eat anything from a pig to a cow. I am not sorry. I have long isolated the sacred thread from my body. I am a brahmin. Still proud)
7) Men who kill plants do not know the value of life. I kill animals, so I do.
8) Plants have PETA. Animals have me.
9) "I did not move up to the food chain to becoame a vegetarian"--Tantra T-Shirt/m\
10) Because I do not care.

P.S---For anyone who wants to ask me why I eat flesh, I will take a printout of this post. If that "Anyone" wants his grandchild to have food, he/she better not ask me that. I wild have to kill a plant for the printout.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Ramdev Retrospective

The Only thing I understand about Politics, is that I do not understand It. I therefore shall take the liberty of excluding names of political parties/persons, locations of temples/mosques, criminal cases, etc from this post. Although these exclusions do not take away anything from the essecnce but their inclusion would have made it more referable.

We, a nation of billion people, have a memory of a flea. A mosquito amongst us is the one who has the monies, the fleas,we, are the ones who crib and cut spending when the food price inflation notches up a basis point. Obviously, the poor country has a lot more to think of (Read:- Making sure wife/daughter comes back unraped,Delhi; Making sure husband/brother is not shot down, Bihar,UP,Kashmir; Making sure the stomach gets to work atleast twice a day,India) The Great "Bring back the black money" kind of movements is a luxury to those who have the time, money and the inclination. 95% of the population would be least bothered. That does not justify the crime however. If someone wants to make a difference which I want but cannot, I will support him. I do not care about his source of income or his political interesets or his latest MMS or of his islands in the arabian sea. Or of his political ambitions, I do not care if he has one. He cant be better/worser than the ones in the chair right now.

Baba Ramdev may have been a slut/vamp/bookie/saint/pimp. I, a citizen of the country carelessley give a fuck. What I give a fuck for is what he is asking of the government to do. To bring back the black money and bring law to the offenders (Vice versa being impossible in this country) Democracy states that the citizens have the right to chose a profession of their choice. I learnt this in my social studies class when I was 12.Its a part of the Indian constitution. However as far as i recollect there are no subclauses stating what all rights one has, given his profession. The freedom of speech is another right.Birth right for that matter. The government from the look of it is either uneducated, or A "class 4 kick-out".

As usual I too shall go back to my normal life like all of us and wont even remember the name ramdev a decade after. This is because i cannot do anything. If i choose to support the movement the police will fire. If I do not i feel pity, for myself and for the country. I willl continue paying the bribes, I will continue to vote, I will continue to adrress babus as "Sir", I will keep cribbing. Because the inflection point is long past me. I am just a number, of 1.1 billion. I know, i cannot make a difference. Perhaps the yoga saint can. Give him a shot, we lose nothing /m\

Saturday, March 19, 2011

The Great Godman Strategy

This morning I woke up at 6'o clock. Nothing better to do with a mug of tea and newspaper in hand i turned on the television. I switched channels wanting to find something that was of the non-religious kind. I could not. On every darned channel, varieties of Guru's and Guruni's sat atop massive stages, masked in glory of being "touched by god", decorated with jewellery, surrounded by incense sticks. It would not be correct to say that all of them gave out such an aura. Many of them wore plain saintly robes and there was not much smoke around them, which does not mean they are any better off.

There was one striking similarity between all of these God-possessed, narcissist buggers. All of them gave "Blessings" to their devotees and engaged in consultation. Advices and solutions ranging from poor financial condition, broken marriages, In-Law problems, Health issues, Erectile Dis-funtioning, Erectile Mis-funtioning and many more. They seemingly were well versed with each and every possible conceivable problem!!! Another similarity was a marquee at the bottom of the screen asking the viewers to make generous contributions to the cause of Sri Sri Sri (So on and so forth) "disgustingly long name" maharaj/rani.

From an Incumbent's viewpoint the scenario was quite interesting. I, hence, tried to look at it from a managerial perspective to draw strategies to succeed in this fragmented, competitive market.

Target Market ---Young, old, educated, uneducated, diseased, healthy. Anyone with a family history of Godman worship, in need for encouragement, lots of free time, with a sense of defeat-desolation, would qualify. The potential customer segment is immense. A godman needs to pick his segment very carefully, so as to not enter a already competitive market. Choosing the correct, uncluttered market is of maximum importance, I repeat.
For e.g. the customer segment combination of Diseased-Poor-Uneducated is the one with the highest competition. Maximum godmen cater to this class of devotees. Although the ARPD(Average revenue per devotee) is very low, the economies of scale more than make up for it.
On the other end of the spectrum are the godmen who cater to only the higher classes of devotees. These godmen are generally employed in the parallel line of businesses like temples. They demand a premium for their services by offering incentives like VIP darshans, Eligibility to hold Aarthi ceremonies, etc. The saints of Tirupathi Balaji and customers Like the Ambanis and Bachhans are a case in point.

Advertising and PR---For a new godman, Public relations is of absolute importance. Advertising is necessary only when he/she has managed to find a chunk of die-hard loyal customers. Billboards, Internet, newspapers, anything can be used as a mode of communication therafter. There have been instances where godmen have tried to extend their lines of businesses by entering into segments like Ayurveda, Meditation, Etc. All these complimentary services enrich the brand experience for the customers. After a certain point in the Godman's service lifecycle, Advertising and PR become unnecessary. Word of mouth does the job, every time.

Barriers to Entry/Exit---Entry barriers include Prohibitve start up costs involved in manpower recruitment, training, learning cheap magic tricks, setting up ashrams, broadcasting pravachans on channels like Aastha, giving out free Prasad's, logistics costs involved in moving cast and crew domestically, sometimes internationally, bribery, etc.

Exit barriers are close to none. The devotees have a short memory span and can easily shift loyalties without much fuss. All alliances made during the stay in the market can be easily shifted by claiming allegiance with some other player. If A decides to leave the market(Reasons:--Not enough customers, Not enough money, Physically tiring, Not a good actor, Media expose, Earned shitloads of money and now wants to retire to the bahamas,etc) then he can, for a huge sum of course, claim alliance with a newer entrant B. This benefits both the parties. One gets the Moolah, other, eyeballs.

Differentiation---Godmen know how important it is to differentiate better than most corporate houses do. Their profession is very much similar to that of a doctor. Although you are expected to know something about everything, you are respected for that one special ability which sets you apart. I took the liberty of listing down some of the core competencies that today's godmen boast of.
Swami 1---Yoga.
Swami 2---Extracting vegetable, fruits and other things from his hair.
Swami 3---A sex expert (There is one. Google it if you do not believe me!!!)
Swami 4---Making diseases go away with a touch.
Swami 5---Specializes in treating "Possessed" devotees.
The point has been well made, I believe. Remember it if you have started chalking out plans by now.

India, is not going anywhere until we are liberated of these gods who live amongst us.To Fuck with the double digit growth rate, Goldman Sachs.To Fuck with the massive middle class, Walmart. To Fuck with corporate governance, Loksabha. To Fuck with the environmental issues, Mr. Jairam Ramesh. Fuck these godmen first, India.

Links of importance:-

1) God's Own Website---
2) God Having Sex--- (Do not click if you are under 18 or a female)
3) God's Erotic Pose--- (Please do click.You will never, I repeat, Never, see a sexier Pic of God!)
4) God's Exposed--- (Just in case, you missed my point!!!)